


the best thing

by yodepalma



Series: ffxv rarepairs 2017 [5]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Attempt at Humor, Everybody Lives, Fluff, M/M, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yodepalma/pseuds/yodepalma
Summary: Noctis gets turned into a frog, and then everything gets worse.Written for day 3 of ffxv rarepairs week: fairy tales





	the best thing

**Author's Note:**

> i think we all know who to blame for this by now
> 
> Noct is a gray tree frog so his cute little croak sounds like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bzotS1ow0Q).

Being a frog _sucks_. Noctis croaks miserably as he huddles in a crevice of the rocks and resists the urge to rub against them. He's so _slimy_. And a minute earlier he'd eaten a _fly_. He'd just been trying to get comfortable and the stupid thing had buzzed over his head. He hadn't even _thought_ about it. His tongue had just....reacted. It had been terrible. It's _still_ terrible. He's going to have nightmares.

A shadow falls over his hiding place, and he has to force himself not to jump in alarm at it. He glares balefully up at the person leaning into the rocks. He hopes it's not someone else who's going to try to kiss him. Even _Luna_ hadn't been able to break the curse. There's no way some random _stranger_ is going to manage it.

A hand moves toward him and he presses himself flat against the rock. Maybe he'll jump on their _face_. It'd serve them right for putting their lips all over him.

Except the hand passes by him entirely. Noctis makes another stupid chirruping croak as some dirt falls on him.

"Easy there," a voice murmurs in a soothing tone. "I just want a look at this rock. You're safe."

A pebble lands on Noctis' head and his legs are moving before he registers the alarm. He lands on the person's arm and tries to whine, but it just comes out as another croak. He shifts on his unwanted perch so he can turn and _glare_. Or whatever the frog equivalent to glaring is.

"Well, if you _insist_ ," the man says. His whole arm shakes under Noctis' feet, and the man makes a startled little noise before he slowly pulls his arm toward him. Noctis almost slides off, but the man catches him in his other hand. HIs fingers close around Noctis gently. "Careful."

Why won't the guy just _put him down_? Noctis tries to wriggle free, but it feels like he's in a cage. And the man completely ignores him in favor of inspecting the rock, though Noctis doesn't see what's so interesting about it. Admittedly, pieces of it are very shiny and the light reflects off it to make a little rainbow on the man's face, but it's still just a rock.

"Lovely," the man says, and puts it in his pocket. Weirdo. Then he turns his attention to Noctis, moving him closer. "Now let's get a look at you, hm?"

The man loosens his grip and pokes at Noctis with a finger. Noctis croaks and shuffles away. He can't believe things are still getting _worse_.

"I've never seen anything like you before." He runs a finger down Noctis' back, which actually feels kind of nice. Noctis sits still and waits for the inspection to be over. "You're the exact color the rumors say the prince is. But that's just silly, isn't it?"

Noctis makes a tiny hop in the direction of his face. The man smiles and pets his back again, then leans down to deposit Noctis back in the rocks. Noctis refuses to move until a finger pokes at his _butt_. Rude. He hops back into his crevice and tries to glare again.

 _Shockingly_ , it doesn't have any effect. The man looks at the sky and says, "I'd better get back before the sun sets."

Oh no. Noctis hadn't even _thought_ about the daemons. It wouldn't be a problem if he was human, but how was he going to protect himself as a frog? Maybe daemons didn't eat frogs. He might be fine. He _probably_ shouldn't risk it.

When the man starts walking away, Noctis croaks as loudly as he can and hops after him. The man doesn't notice until Noctis gets annoyed and jumps in front of his feet.

"What in Eos?" The man bends over so he can get a good look at Noct. "You again? _Please_ don't tell me you're actually the prince."

Noctis jumps onto his shoe.

The man sighs. "I'm choosing to believe you're an actual frog. Just really strange. And fond of me for some reason." He scoops Noctis up and starts walking again. "All I wanted was a _rock_."

Noctis lets himself doze as the man carries him, so he's startled when he's suddenly deposited on a hard surface. He leaps forward in alarm, and then he realizes there's _another person_. He turns around and hops back toward the man, trying to find somewhere to hide. Why are there _people_? People are the _worst_.

"Dino, why is there a frog on my counter?" The new voice belongs to a woman wearing a red chef's jacket. She leans on the counter. If she kisses him, Noctis is going to _pee on her counter_. "Black like the prince, hm?"

"You noticed that too?" Dino's voice sounds sour, but he covers Noctis with a warm hand. "I'm worried he might actually _be_ the prince."

"That doesn't seem very likely." The chef finally moves away and Noctis relaxes a little. "It's a very long distance for a frog to travel from Insomnia."

Noctis wonders just where in Lucis he _is_. He knew it'd been a long drive in the truck he'd stowed away in, but he'd found it hard to track the distance when he couldn't see where they were going. He wishes he could smell anything properly. He hadn't realized until now just how much information there was in the way the air smelled.

"It's not so far by truck, though." Dino taps his fingers on the counter next to Noctis. "And the Crown never _denied_ the rumors that the prince had gone missing this morning."

In all fairness, Noctis can't be sure that anyone in the Citadel realized he was gone. It wouldn't be easy to find a frog even if he _was_ still there. As far as anyone knew, he was hiding in a corner sulking somewhere. Which is what he'd intended to do _anyway_ , and then the stupid truck had driven off before he could find a way out of it.

Noctis doesn't have many regrets, but getting in that truck is definitely one of them.

"Have you tried kissing him?" the chef asks. Her voice is ridiculously calm considering her stove appears to be _on fire_.

Dino chuckles. "I'm not kissing a _frog_. Why would I even want to?"

Noctis feels kind of insulted. What's wrong with kissing him? Prompto had said he was an adorable frog, and if it worked Dino would get to marry a _prince_. Everybody wants to marry royalty.

"Hmm, but I heard the prince was very attractive." The chef gives Dino a quick smile. "Prettier than you, even."

"Coctura." Dino shakes his head like he’s disappointed in her. "Nobody is as pretty as me."

Noctis croaks in disgust. He's _totally_ prettier than Dino. How dare he.

Coctura laughs and brings a plate over to the counter. Whatever's on it makes Dino smile, and he lifts his hand off Noctis' back to reach for his fork.

"I was thinking of taking him to Insomnia," Dino says. He takes a bite of his food and chews thoughtfully. "I'm sure the king would know if it's his son or not."

Probably not. Noctis is just a frog like any _other_ frog, and his dad certainly hadn't gotten close and tried to kiss him. Oh man, now he feels _sick_. He hops closer to the plate and thinks about jumping into Dino's food.

But he doesn't feel like being _that_ much of a jerk right now, so he opts to just sit next to it. The heat from the food makes him drowsy, and the conversation going on over his head about jewelry isn't helping. He's still tired anyway. A nap won't hurt anything.

 

Dino brings Noctis to his room afterwards, dumping him onto the bed as he wanders off toward what’s probably the bathroom. It's hard to hop on the soft mattress, Noctis’ feet getting tangled in the blankets, but eventually he makes it to the pillows. After a half dozen failures, he manages to climb up onto it and flop down in the very middle.

He looks up when Dino comes back into the room, but he has to shut his eyes immediately. Dino's _naked_. Noctis wants to yell at him to put on clothes, but he's still a _fucking frog_. He doesn't think he can make his croaks _emote_.

Dino flops onto the bed and sighs. "Of course you take _my_ pillow." He pokes Noctis in the side. "I doubt a real frog would be acting like this. I didn't think you'd be so shy, Your Highness."

Noctis wants to _bite him_ , but frog teeth are _completely useless_. He can't wait to be human again. If only it didn't take so much _kissing_.

"Well, we'd better get some sleep." Dino's voice softens just a little and he gently pats Noctis' back. "Tomorrow's going to last forever."

Dino wakes Noctis up _way_ too early in the morning. Noctis croaks his displeasure, but Dino ignores him as he heads back out to the restaurant. Coctura is still there, yawning at the lack of work. Noctis wonders if there's anything on the menu that _he_ can eat without getting sick. He would  kill for a piece of cake. Or some fish.

He doesn't get to find out, because something big and buzzing flies right by him. Noctis leaps from Dino's hand without thinking about it, and he feels lucky to land on the counter. Even if he _is_ swallowing another fly whole. _Ugh_.

"Do you _really_ think he's the prince?" Coctura asks as she sets a couple of dishes down in front of Dino. "He just ate a fly."

"Well, he _is_ a frog at the moment." Dino carefully picks Noctis up and deposits him in a bowl half-filled with water. "What do you think, Your Highness? You were looking a bit dry."

The fresh water actually does feel really nice. Noctis closes his eyes and lets himself float in the middle. He won't drown if he falls asleep, right? How do frogs breathe underwater anyway?

"I suppose he likes it." Coctura dips her fingers in the bowl and sprinkles some of the water over his head. Noctis decides he likes her. "You better hurry up and eat. The hunters are getting ready to clear out."

"Already?" Dino's voice is whiny, but he keeps his complaints to himself and makes short work of his breakfast. "Thanks again for the bowl. I'll return it when I get back."

"Take your time." Coctura pokes at Noctis in his bowl. "And if you _are_ the prince, little frog, stop by sometime. I'll make Dino buy you dinner."

Noctis _definitely_ likes her.

Dino says goodbye to Coctura and walks away from the restaurant with the bowl held close to his chest. The water Noctis is half submerged in sloshes as he walks. Noctis moves to the side of the bowl and tries to look over the rim.

"Please stay in the water." Dino prods him back into the middle of the bowl. "You're going to fall out."

Noctis realizes he misses being able to sigh. Why couldn't Ardyn have changed him into a _dog_?

The hunters Dino asks for a ride from seem bewildered by him. Noctis listens with half an ear as they talk, and eventually Dino climbs into the backseat of a cramped little car. He balances Noctis' bowl on his knees and reaches for his seatbelt.

It doesn't take long for Noctis to start dozing, but it still seems like too short of a time before they're pulling to a stop. He peeks his head out of the water curiously.

"No, I'll just stay here," Dino says. "With my frog. And the car."

There's a short pause before the hunter says, "You don't know how to fight, do you?"

"Not a clue." Dino sounds _way_ too cheerful about that, considering where’d been just the day before. How does he survive if he can't _fight_? Maybe Noctis should introduce him to Gladio. Or Cor. Cor would eat Dino alive.

"We'll try not to be long then," the hunter says, and the car door slams loud enough to make Noctis' water shake. Jerk.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Dino puts the bowl down on the seat beside him. "I'm going to stretch my legs," he says when Noctis looks curiously up at him.

Noctis supposes that's fair. He watches Dino get out of the car, but when he's no longer visible through the window, Noctis closes his eyes again.

The hunters take _forever_ to come back, and Dino doesn't return to the car until they do. Noctis croaks as loud as he can so Dino will know he's annoyed. And _bored_.

"You could've just gone back to sleep," Dino says, apparently completely unconcerned about how crazy he looks talking to a _frog_. He settles the bowl in his lap again. Noctis turns his back to him instead of croaking again. Dino chuckles and pokes his butt, and Noctis nearly jumps out of the bowl. Why won't Dino stop poking him?

Maybe Dino will be just as touchy-feely with Noctis when he's human again too. He doesn't know how to feel about that idea.

The rest of the drive takes about ten years. Noctis has never been so bored in his life. Except during council meetings. Which don't count, because every time he sits in on one he _swears_ he's been suddenly transported to Hell.

When they finally make it to Insomnia, Dino doesn't waste much time thanking the hunters before he heads for the nearest subway. It takes _another_ ten years before he seems to figure out where he's going.

If Noctis had thought the subway rides were awful when he was human, it's _nothing_ compared to how miserable the trip is now. He tries to hide in his bowl so nobody can see him, but he can’t keep himself from sliding around every time the train turns a corner or stops. At least it's the off hour, so when the water inevitably splashes right out of Noctis' bowl it doesn't land on anybody. Well, at least not on anyone who will complain.

"This better be worth it," Dino mutters to Noctis when he gets off the train. "If you're not the prince, I'll make soup out of you."

Dino rushes across the courtyard and up the stairs, practically skidding to a halt in front of the reception desk. Noctis pokes his head over the side of the bowl to see who's working. Laura looks up at Dino with a politely baffled smile.

"Can I help you, sir? I'm afraid visiting hours are over."

Dino clears his throat and shifts the bowl in his arms. "I'd actually like to request an audience with the king," he says. He doesn't even sound nervous. "I found something he'll want back."

Laura's eyes immediately fall to the bowl. Noctis thinks a glare at her _really hard_. She's going to brush Dino off, he just knows it.

"Sir, you can't just bring a frog in from the pet store—"

Dino interrupts her with a huff. "I found him hiding in some rocks, not a store." His voice is icy. "And do you _really_ want to be the person who turns away a man who might be holding the king's only son?"

Damnit, now Noctis actually _likes_ him. He hadn't been expecting that.

"I'll see what I can do," Laura says, her polite tone disappearing. Her voice is quiet as she picks up her phone and speaks to someone, but eventually Cor comes down to take Dino to the throne room. Noctis ducks back into the water before Cor can get too close and glare at him.

"Follow me," Cor says, and walks off without even a hello for the receptionist.

"Pleasant man," Dino murmurs. Noctis croaks at him, amused. He guesses he can see how Cor might seem unpleasant at first, but Noctis has known him all his life. Cor doesn’t like to say anything that doesn’t need to be said.

Cor silently leads Dino to the elevators. He silently pushes the up button and ushers Dino in. They stand awkwardly next to each other in _absolute silence_. Noctis breaks it with the loudest croak he can manage.

Cor sighs. "I see why you believe this frog is the prince."

Dino's still snickering when the elevator door opens to let them out on the right floor.

Cor turns to Dino before he opens the door to the throne room. "What's your name?"

"Ah, it's Dino Ghiranze."

Cor's eyes narrow. "The reporter."

"I'm not here for a story," Dino says quickly. He holds up the bowl and Noctis croaks at Cor encouragingly. "He wouldn't leave me alone."

Cor stares at Dino for another long second. "All right." He opens the door and walks in without waiting for Dino to follow. Dino sticks close to him as they walk across the cavernous room. Noctis supposes it _is_ kind of imposing if you're not used to it.

"Wait here," Cor tells Dino and walks up the steps to the throne. There's a brief silence.

"Mr. Ghiranze," Regis says in his stupid king voice. "The Marshall says you might have my son with you."

"I do, Your Majesty." Dino shifts on his feet. "I found him while I was looking for gemstones by Galdin Quay."

"And for what reason do you believe this frog is Prince Noctis?"

Oh no. Noctis hopes Dino doesn't mention how much he embarrassed Noctis by sleeping naked _right next to him_. "He doesn't really _act_ like a frog, Your Majesty," Dino says, his tone thoughtful. "And he's attempted to respond to things I've said, though I'm not sure I always understood."

Regis taps his fingers on the throne's armrest. "And have you tried kissing him?"

" _What_?" Dino's voice cracks and he clears his throat. "I really don't—I'm sure it's not really necessary. Is it?"

Regis taps his fingers a few more times. It's even starting to make _Noctis_ nervous. Finally he sighs and says, "Ignis, please verify the frog's identity."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Noctis finds himself relaxing a little at the sound of Ignis' voice. If anybody will recognize Noctis it's him.

Ignis adjusts his glasses as he peers over the rim of the bowl. Noctis stares back. "Do you mind?" Ignis asks.

Dino must shake his head, because Ignis immediately dips his fingers into the water beneath Noctis' stomach and lifts him up to his face. Noctis wonders if he'd stick to Ignis' glasses. As soon as he's close enough, he reaches out a hand and presses it against the lens. Yup, definitely sticking.

A tiny smile curls Ignis' lips. "I do believe this is actually the prince, Majesty."

"Excellent." Regis sighs again, but this one sounds relieved. "We can get back to attempting to break the curse in the morning."

Oh, fuck no. Noctis has had enough of kissing every person in the kingdom. He turns back toward Dino and leaps for his face. He lands on Dino's forehead and sticks.

"Noctis, please be reasonable." Regis says. Noctis climbs into Dino's hair and nestles there, croaking. He turns around and watches Regis pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Fine. I still have matters to attend to. We can take up the discussion tomorrow. Ignis, could you please show Mr. Ghiranze to Noctis' bedroom for the night?"

"I—of course, Your Majesty."

Ignis leads Dino through the hallways to the living quarters, his footsteps echoing eerily in the silence. He unlocks Noctis' door and steps inside, looking around like he's expecting there to be a new mess since the last time he stopped by to clean up. Dino steps past him and heads for the bed, putting Noctis' bowl on the nightstand.

Ignis closes the door behind himself. Dino turns toward him, and Noctis croaks softly when he sees Ignis’ crossed arms.

"What are your intentions toward the prince?" Ignis asks, flicking a brief glare up to Noctis.

"I was merely trying to see him home." Dino's sounds unperturbed. Noctis kind of wishes he could see Dino's face, though the expression on Ignis' almost makes up for it. He gets the feeling Ignis has already decided that he doesn't like Dino. "Please don't look so sour. I have no interest in the throne."

Ignis' eyes narrow and he leans toward Dino. "If any harm comes to the prince because of you, I will be the first person you answer to."

"Then it's a good thing I have no intention to harm him, isn't it?" Noctis can _hear_ the smug smile in his voice. Ignis snorts, but he must consider Dino to be threatened enough, because he leaves without saying anything else. Dino watches him walk out the door.

"That's quite the protector you have, Your Highness."  And he hasn't even met _Gladio_ yet. "I don't suppose you'll get out of my hair now that we're safe in your room?"

Noctis thinks about it for a second. He supposes he _could_ , but Dino's head is pretty comfortable. He shifts position a little to make sure he doesn't fall off. Dino _sighs_ and sits on Noctis' bed.

"If I try to break the curse, will you leave me alone? I _do_ have things to accomplish back home."

Well, Noctis supposes he can't keep Dino around forever to fend off people trying to kiss him. He croaks and jumps down into Dino's lap, looking up at him expectantly.

"I don't know if it will be worse if you turn into the prince or if you don't." Dino makes a face at him, and puts his hand on his leg with his palm facing up. Noctis jumps onto his hand and Dino lifts him to his face. "Though I suppose _anything_ has to be better than letting Aunt Viatrix kiss me again. It always felt like a dog was slobbering on me."

Dino hesitates for a few more seconds, frowning down at Noctis. "I just want you to know that this is the worst thing I've ever done." He pulls Noctis toward him and finally presses a very gentle kiss to the top of Noctis' head.

Noctis has a second to think that nothing will happen, and then he can feel the magic working. It tingles through his body like static and he closes his eyes when a bright light surrounds him. Dino lets go of him, but Noctis doesn't have far to fall before he lands back in Dino's lap, human again.

He opens his eyes and stares at Dino, who's covering his eyes with one hand and leaning away from Noctis. Dino slowly lowers it, blinking slowly in the aftermath of the light show.

Noctis swallows nervously. He hadn't really taken notice before, but now he realizes that Dino is actually hot. Like, _really_ hot. And Noctis is sitting in his lap. _Naked_.

"Fuck." Noctis scrambles off Dino's lap and looks for something to cover himself with. But his room is spotless thanks to Ignis, and he can't get to the blankets beneath Dino. He covers himself with both hands and feels his blush spread down his neck. "Do you have to _stare_?"

Dino leans forward and _grins_. "It's just such a lovely view." When he stands up, he towers over Noctis. Not as badly as Gladio, but being as tall as Ignis is bad enough. "And I _did_ break the curse, didn't I?"

He steps forward until he's practically on top of Noctis. Noctis tilts his head back and glares up at him, but he refuses to back away. He's the _prince_. He's not going to blink first.

Dino brushes the back of his fingers across Noct’s cheek and his smile turns soft. “I don’t suppose you’d let me kiss you for real? Being your true love and all.”

Noctis doesn’t even want to think about how red his face must be. Dino’s pretending he doesn’t notice Noctis’ lack of clothes, but Noctis can’t help being hyperaware of it. He licks his lips and nods anyway. Who’s he to argue against true love? Anyway, after being kissed so much as a frog, he feels like he deserves at least one as a human.

Dino’s lips press gently against his. Noctis’ heart flutters nervously in his chest, but he presses forward despite it. Dino slides his hands over Noctis’ shoulders, deepening the kiss until Noctis feels dizzy. Noctis clutches the front of Dino’s shirt and decides he doesn’t _care_ that Dino is smoothing his hands down his naked back. It’s not like anyone will know about it except them.

There’s a short knock at the door, and it swings open before Noctis can yank himself away. The heavy silence stretches for a small eternity.

“Well.” Ignis clears his throat. Noctis groans and leans his head on Dino’s shoulder. Of _course_ it’s Ignis. “I—brought you some toiletries.”

“Thank you, Ignis.” Dino doesn’t remove his hands from where they’re resting on Noctis’ lower back. Why isn’t he _embarrassed_? Noctis feels like his skin is going to literally catch fire.

“I’ll just. Go inform the king of this development, shall I? Welcome back, Highness.”

“Thanks, Specs,” Noctis mutters into Dino’s shirt. He’s not going to be able to look Ignis in the eye for _weeks_.

“That rather ruined the mood, didn’t it?” Dino’s hands press into Noctis’ back a little harder. “Perhaps we should get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” Noct says. “I’ll just find some pajamas. Unless—unless you want—” He tugs on Dino’s shirt.

“I do prefer to sleep naked.” Dino leans down and his lips brush against Noctis’ ear. “If you’d care to join me.”

Noctis doesn’t let himself think about it, just kisses Dino again and fumbles at his buttons. He’s going to end up marrying Dino anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, dino totally took one look at noct and decided marrying into royalty wouldn't be so bad after all
> 
> and, of course, an addendum: it turns out that the worst that can happen is regis walking in on them. in the morning. while noct is still too bleary to care where Dino puts his hands. (regis barely even blinks. “i’ll just see you two at breakfast,” he says. it’s not an invitation. it’s a threat.)


End file.
